The 11 types of employee

Offices aren’t unique.

Sure, yours might provide a ping pong table, free fruit on a Wednesday and more ‘break out’ areas than you know what to do with, but they all have one thing in common.

People.

But people are unique, right?

Well, yeah, we are. But put us in an office environment, call us an employee and we tend to fall into one (or more) of the following categories…

The access card wearer

When practicality and efficiency is life.

These office goers strut around with their photographed building access card clipped to their pant waistline for easy access.

They’re always happy to thrust their pelvis forward when the rest of us are reaching into our pockets to grab our card and will give you a look that says: “See? I might look ridiculous, but it’s just so practical”.

The repeating greeter

You walk to your desk in the morning and they say good morning.

13 minutes later you head into the kitchen for a coffee and the very same person is in there. Again, they say hello.

26 minutes later you head to the bathroom, and there they are again. “Morning!” they chortle as if for the first time that day.

All this before 10am.

The multiple screens guy

Most people run one, maybe two screens if they have a laptop.

Not this guy. He needs 7. Because busy.

The oversharer

The only important part of their email is the last sentence.

“Sorry all, I’ll be late to the meeting this morning. We gave baby Rick solids for the first time this morning and it went straight through him. It’s literally everywhere. And a really weird colour. Like browny green. I’ll need to have another shower and clean the entire bathroom again. Start without me, I should only be a couple of minutes late.”

The walk and talker

Who likes to pace up and down the office, talking and laughing loudly into their bluetooth headphones disrupting everyone in the vicinity.

The veteran walk and talkers will often have a stress ball or tennis ball which they’ll toss to themselves as they pace.

The smelly food guy

Really, you’re going to microwave that can of tuna?

The resident barista

They’ll happily provide you with unsolicited feedback on your use of the in-house machine.

“It shouldn’t be making that sound. You need to tilt the jug some more, like this…”

The whiteboarder

Whose scribbles, notes and illegible diagrams can be found on almost every whiteboard in any meeting room in the office.

Usually with the words “Please don’t remove” in the top corner.

The corporate jargon regurgitator

They say so much, without saying anything at all.

“The burning platform has a lot of moving parts and what we want is best practice. So let’s take this offline, think outside the box, circle back and see what sticks.”

The he must sleep here guy

Working late? So is Steve.

Need to get into the office early?

Yep, Steve’s beat you to it. Does this guy ever go home?

The have you seen my email? guy

Who will send said email, march straight to your desk and ask this question before the email even gets a chance to arrive in your inbox.