What feedback am I actually seeking?
Are you looking for insight into blindspots? Or are you seeking affirmation? Are you looking for propelling questions? Or are you looking for detailed how-to instructions?
Because someone telling you what they love about a project is different to them telling you what they’re confused about in a project. It pays to get clear in what we’re seeking.
If you’re looking for another resource, see: Thanks For The Feedback.
A small selection of some of the books and podcasts that caught my attention in May.
For great insight into how to work smarter, not harder:
Effortless by Greg McKeown
To hear the best two hour interview of the year:
Listen to this chat with Jacqueline Novogratz (Founder and CEO of Acumen).
To simultaneously think until your head hurts and laugh until your eyes water:
The new Absolutely Mental podcast series with Ricky Gervais and Sam Harris.
PS. Did you know I have a podcast with the one and only Jen Waldman? It’s called The Long and The Short Of it (she’s 5″1 and I’m 6″7…) Episodes are 20min conversations and there are no heinous true crimes to be heard.
How can I make this about connection not content?
Because having 15 people watch 1 person step through a slide deck is just about the most ineffective and uninspiring use of time you can imagine.
Imagine you are the proud owner of a tennis ball (high stakes I know) and are trying to convince three different people why they need it.
One person is a tennis player. One is a fetch playing dog owner. One is a backyard cricket enthusiast.
How might you go about communicating the value of the tennis ball to each person?
One approach is to use the same spiel to all three. Something like: “this is a great tennis ball, with many different uses.” This is the most common trap in trying to enrol others in change.
A more effective approach starts by understanding the who. Ask yourself: what is important to this particular individual? How might I communicate in a way that will resonate with them?
For the tennis player it might sound like: “this ball is the perfect way for you to practice your forehand ahead of the tournament on the weekend.”
For the dog owner: “use this ball for fetch and provide endless hours of entertainment for you and your dog, without needing an annoying giant stick.”
The backyard cricket enthusiast: “simply tape half of this ball and you’ll bowl like a champion the next time you play backyard cricket.”
When trying to enrol others in change, start with who. Put yourself in their shoes and get curious about the most effective way to communicate to them.
Who gets the best version of you?
Because our energy, attention and care is finite.
Thanks to this interview with Australian comedian Hamish Blake for this juicy noodle.
In order to understand someone else we must practice holding space.
This is different to listening because it’s active, not passive and requires at least three steps.
We actively see the other person, by maintaining eye contact, observing their body language, and not being distracted. We actively hear someone through listening attentively to what they’re saying and how they’re saying it. Then, we reflect back to the other person what we have seen and heard, with curiosity .
“I heard you say ___, which made me think ___.”
“You mentioned ___, could you say more about that?”
“Thanks for sharing ___, how can I support?”
Holding space can be hard. It requires curiosity, emotional labour and patience.
Anyone who has ever seen a good therapist worked with a great coach, or been part of a team with a strong leader knows the feeling of having someone hold space for them.
It’s a generous skill anyone reading this post can also practice. So over to you, legend.
How are you complicit in creating the conditions you say you don’t want?
It’s like a generous punch in the stomach, if ever such a thing was possible.
Thank Jerry Colonna for this one.
A massage therapist once said to me “relax your face” which caused two things to happen:
- I burst out laughing at such a surprising request and when I finally stopped, I noticed my face felt more relaxed.
- I realised how much tension I was inadvertently carrying in my face.
Naturally, this metaphor provides plenty to noodle on.
Where are you carrying tension right now? What would it look like to ease and relax that tension?
What’s something you love to do in your spare time?
Because as well as being your colleagues, they’re also humans with a range of other skills, interests, dreams, goals and desires.
Besides, how will anyone know about your strong indoor plant game if you don’t open up a conversation to life outside of presentations, spreadsheets and emails?!
A selection of recently read books and listened to podcasts to assist with your noodling:
One of the shortest and wisest books I’ve ever read:
The Manual – Epictetus
A punchy and brilliant guide for how to bring more humanity to work
HBR Emotional Intelligence Boxed Set (my favourite is the Empathy book).
For a great example of what it sounds like when two brilliant minds respectfully disagree:
Brené Brown’s recent appearance on Simon Sinek’s podcast.
PS. My initials.
PPS. If you enjoy these emails/blogs I’d love it if you spread the word by forwarding one to a friend or two.
What does success look like for this meeting?
Because going to a meeting without a clear purpose is like waking up groggy from an afternoon nap: Where am I? What is happening? Who’s in charge here? Did I just dribble on my pillow?
Everyone is familiar with a day of “back to backs”. One meeting, after another, followed by another, then another, for hours on end.
The day turns into a blur, each meeting becoming indistinguishable from the next. One person’s white-boarding session blends into another person’s 1:1 which blends into a slide deck that you’re certain you’ve seen before.
Faced with the prospect of more meetings your mind begins to wonder:
Am I having déjà vu? Haven’t we had this meeting before? Oh well, what’s my next meeting about? Oh crap, it’s with finance. Will we finish here in time? We still have so much to get through. But I can’t reschedule finance again, they’re already annoyed at me for rescheduling last time. When am I going to eat lunch? I’m so hungry. Maybe finance will cancel? Sweet potato casserole I hope they cancel.
On and on it goes.
So what to do?
What if, instead, we intentionally built slack into our schedule? What if we made meetings 45min instead of 60min? 20min instead of 30min? How might that change our anxious internal chatter?
What if we had no meeting Mondays, or two meeting Tuesdays? Walking meeting Wednesdays or three meeting Thursdays?
What if we made meetings the exception rather than the norm? How would that change the way we show up?
What can I do now that I might not have bandwidth for once this holding pattern ends?
Thanks Kirsty for this one and Jen for the reminder that all holding patterns come to an end.
If you have ever watched a crime show involving a police interrogation you’ll be familiar with the idea of leading the witness.
The context might change but the scene is always the same. An interrogator is interviewing a suspected criminal in a dimly lit, windowless room trying to get them to fess up. For some reason there always seems to be a half eaten burger and large coke on the table and everyone looks tired.
The police pepper the suspect relentlessly, asking questions designed to lead the suspect to admit their guilt.
The suspect refuses to answer.
The police ask more questions, this time withholding information they know the answer to.
The suspect lies about it, is called out and the police dramatically throw a manila folder on the table in triumph and shout “A-HA!”
In these situations, the question askers are intentionally trying to lead the other person to an outcome, regardless of what it takes.
This might be an effective tactic for catching criminals but it’s no way to seek to connect and collaborate with your team, other leaders or prospective clients.
Instead, acting with genuine curiosity and providing an opportunity to learn more and connect with the other person is the agenda. How to do this? By following your nose and asking genuine questions.
When leading with curiosity there is no hidden agenda or outcome. Instead, the process of asking questions and holding space is the outcome.
What would I tell my best friend in this scenario?
Because we tend to be better at helping others see possibility.
Is not the same as a remote workplace nor is it the same as a centralized workplace.
It’s an entirely new opportunity. One that most companies have not attempted before. One that requires doing things differently than we have done before.
A good place to start is to consider these questions:
What are the given circumstances? What are we looking to achieve? How might we go about achieving it?
A selection of recently read books and listened to podcasts to assist with your noodling:
For the clearest outline of humanities greatest threat (and what to do about it):
How to Avoid a Climate Disaster – Bill Gates
To revisit one of my favourite books of the last 5 years:
Stillness Is The Key – Ryan Holiday
If you like the idea of hearing me think out loud (hey mum):
Simple Ideas Taken Seriously Podcast with Carly Valancy talking about asking questions and holding space.
The Work Life Podcast with Andrew Scarcella talking about coaching leaders.
And of course The Long and The Short Of It, with my coconspirator Jen Waldman.
PS. If you enjoy these emails/blogs I’d love it if you help spread the word by forwarding one to a friend or two. You might use the subject line “checkout these noods” for a laugh. And yes, I will continue to recycle this joke, and so can you.
No-one will be fully present, in flow, or productive for the entirety of a day.
No matter how hard we try there will be moments of struggle, distraction, tiredness, and frustration.
Think about your day today. Was there a moment where you picked up your phone mindlessly or checked your email in a meeting?
Then at some point, if you’re anything like me, a bunch of things might have happened in a flurry.
You write the email you were putting off all day, call the friend you had been meaning to get in touch with, write a proposal for a prospective new client, book a dinner with your partner, write a chapter of a book, ship a blog and pay 7 bills, all in the space of 28 minutes.
Having done all that, you wonder how it’s possible to get so much done in such a short amount of time.
It happens to me almost every day, and I am still surprised by it.
Knowing this, it’s worth cutting ourselves, and those around us, some slack. Progress rarely looks the way you thought it might.
Almost all leaders, managers, and employees working in a company are familiar with the 1:1.
A 30min ‘check-in’ organised by a manager at a regular frequency, designed to catch up with each member of their team.
Often employees dread these meetings because it involves the manager spending ~85% of the time talking at them, providing updates they deem to be important, giving their opinions, and in the worst cases, micromanaging and telling the employee how to do their job.
In these 1:1’s you’ll hear statements like:
- “Here’s what you should be focussing on…”
- “If I were you…”
- “Could you just…”
These managers use it as a chance to disseminate information and their opinions. They fail to consider what it might be like to be the employee, hence, dread.
The opportunity is to remove this dread by using the 1:1 as a chance to disseminate culture. A culture that leads with empathy and a curiosity to find out what it’s like to be the employee. A culture that says: I care about you and what you have to say.
To do so, a leader must flip the ratio on its head and do ~15% of the talking, spending majority of the time asking questions and holding space for their employees.
In these 1:1’s you’ll hear questions like:
- What are you working on?
- Where do you feel stuck?
- How can I best support you?
Once upon a time, I thought wearing a visor was cool. Thankfully I reconsidered this trend. Now is the opportunity to do the same with our 1:1’s and create connection over dread.